In the Valley of Uncertainty

I woke up yesterday with a clawing fear in my belly and these questions:

• What if everything I’ve poured my heart into over the past two years fails? 
• What if I invested not only my time but tens of thousands of dollars to get my books out in the world, and they go nowhere? 
• What if it takes years rather than months to pay off my business loans?

I have a renewed morning mediation practice, thanks in part to Susan Piver’s Open Heart Project (free meditation teachings), and so I sat with these feelings.  My job as a financial planner is to prepare for the “what ifs” of life—yet learning to sit with and simply observe my own uncertainty… that’s an entirely different beast. 

I was doing okay just hanging out with myself and my feelings, trusting they were momentary until I decided to look at the website of a colleague.  Usually I meditate, then make a pot of tea and write or paint in my journal.  But my fear led me to take my curiosity and look outward—thinking I could “learn from others”.  I pulled up her website, read through a blog post and blam! was slammed in the head by my gremlins of comparison.  An idea I’d been writing about and talking about for the past four months was there, on her page.  I felt the blood drain from my body.  I was cold and hot and shaking.  The mind is truly amazing, isn’t it?  In a flash my world crumbled.  I went and curled up in my lover’s arms, cried and when she tried to comfort or correct my catastrophic thinking, I felt worse. 

Then I piled my family in the car for a three hour drive to Seattle…. And I settled down.  Driving is a perfect blend of doing and being, especially for my overachieving mind.  I reminded myself about an intuitive reading I’d had recently with the amazing Shayne Case—“allow yourself to come to a place where you are allowed to be brand new; new born; not efforting, not pushing, not trying.”

I’ve discovered that “being” is far scarier than action. I felt that when I first became a financial planner—I was taught to “talk to everyone”, get out there, knock on doors, everyone is a potential customer.  Ugh! Then I learned to reflect on who my favorite clients were, and I discovered that I’d met them when I was skiing, sitting in a hot tub, attending a workshop, hanging out with friends—I met my favorite clients when I was being and doing things I loved.

Now I have these two books… my babies are out in the world, and I have to practice the fine art of allowing myself to be new.  While part of me wants to stand on the street corner and hawk my books like the daily news in an anxious attempt to be seen, there is a small, tentative part of me that wants to be still and trust that connections will be made without pushing or efforting. 

I live in this valley of uncertainly, and I’m beginning to notice the beauty here. It’s not comfortable. But it’s a rich and fertile landscape, and seeds of possibility are all around me.

How has uncertainty served you?  What have you found to help you through the valley? 

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Luna

It is one of my greatest dreams to help women around the world heal their relationship with money. I want you to know (maybe for the first time) that your creativity is an asset in this healing process.

@lunajaffe

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Luna

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